Having a low opinion of oneself makes any task difficult, but trying to get someone to love you when you don’t particularly love yourself is a losing battle. However, when you find that special someone, they can show you how to accept yourself as you are, helping you to overcome those feelings of low self-esteem. And just because you’re so darn great, I’m going to give you a few tips to meet Mr Right and say goodnight to feeling shite (this was the best I could do).
Yes, that’s right ladies- just because you have low self-esteem due to hating yourself doesn’t mean you have to lose out on meeting a man, settling down and spending the rest of your motherfucking life cleaning up after him. Here’s how you can snag a man, even if you think you’re worthless and hideous.
Looking Great, Feeling Great
People who say that looks don’t matter are lying to themselves- looks are everything because people are shallow as shit. Disguise your low self-esteem, ugly face and lack of confidence by wearing make-up by the trowel. If you have a credit card, head to your nearest Mac counter and have a sales assistant with a superiority complex tell you that your face disgusts her, and how buying £300 worth of eyeshadow will make you instantly appealing. If you’re poor like me and your credit card is reserved for essentials like playing Wink Bingo online and adding to your Mork and Mindy Memorial Plate collection, go to Superdrug and see what’s on sale, and buy that. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t suit your skintone; by the time you’re done beautifying yourself, you won’t know if you’re black or white.
If you are unsure of how much make-up to wear, google the word ‘Snooki‘, click on Images, and double the amount she wears.
While we are on the subject of natual beauty, it would be advisable to do something about your ridiculous hair. Delightfully, my hair is a torturous bastard and likes to fashion itself into a big ball of frizz, no matter what I do to it. I like to counteract this by frazzelling it under heated plates. This is sustainable, and my hair is not going to fall out in like, a week.
Finally, peruse the Ann Summers sale rack to find yourself a nice outfit to complete the elegant new you. You want your look to say ‘I’m a streetwalker, but not the kind that you can strangle and leave for dead after intercourse, because they’ll send a search party for me and you’ll go to jail.’ That way, potential suitors know you are a lady of class.
Being Seen At The Right Scene
Now that you’ve got the right look, you will need to start frequenting places where you are likely to find the right type of man. Any bar that is affiliated with a religious community that has a bitter history with other religious communities and lots of antsy patrons looking for a fight, or has ‘Legion’ or ‘Strip’ in the title, is usually a winner. However, if you want to steer clear of men who drink, then beat you, then promise to never do it again, then drink, then beat you, etc., then you could always go to
loser gatherings for asexual beings singles mixers at your local church to find a man who is teetotal. He might still beat you, though. And cry a lot.
Of course, I’m only joking. Not all single men are secret abusers waiting to pounce; most men are decent and just want to see you happy- while cooking their dinner, washing their clothes and generally being an unpaid slave. Relationships are great, and having a connection that surpasses physical attraction and human decency, to the extent that your partner is comfortable enough to accidentally shit themselves while farting in your presence, creates a bond that no-one can tear asunder. Sharting- marriage, for the undercarriage.
The truth is, meeting a man you like happens when you least expect it, which is why you should just get on with your life and he will enter when he’s ready. That’s what she said. Creep out male collegues while assuming,deludedly, that they fancy you by laughing like a crazy person at jokes they made that weren’t even funny, stare at men stalkerishly on the bus and step over the ‘line of appropriateness’ by flirting with your friends’ partners. This is good advice.
Acting Like A Lady
In my experience, in addition to favouring women who look like whores, men love the ‘modern day gal’, keen to break the oppressive stereotypes of her 1950s counterpart. I like to attract men by showing them that I can eat a whole KFC Bargain Bucket on my own and how disgusting and sloppy I am when drunk by rolling around the floor and generally being a nuisance to our entire party, all surrounding parties and the people on their Twitter account(s), as they will be giving them a running commentary of said rolling and nuisance-being, with updates such as ‘Holy shiz, clean up on aisle four #drunkbitchesonparade’, ‘Dis drunk slut is depriving a village of an idiot. I love One Direction #burn’ and ‘Justin Bieber is my imaginary boyfriend and some insult about a woman who can’t handle her drink #genericpopculturereference’. Men definately want to date me.
However, that’s not say that men don’t appreciate a bit of femininity, too. Simple touches, like drinking your pint with a straw, not making it obvious when you are removing your knicks from your arse crack and not blowing your burps into his face to watch him contort in horror at the stench, tell your prospective partner that you are one refined bitch. Make sure you pick all remnants of onion ring out of your teeth and you are wearing suitable camel-toe covering attire. Men love that shit.
You’ve Snagged Him, What Next?
And after you’ve snagged that man, how does the modern day gal have time to keep him interested? As your typical gal-about town, juggling a hectic schedule- I’ll level with you. In between watching clips of dogs on skateboards on Youtube, crying myself to sleep and writing Desperate Housewives fan fiction- not to mention trying to fit in all of my whining- it’s tough. I’m one busy lady. But finding mutual happiness in the little things helps- such as cooking him a special dinner that I’ve secretly spat in, avoiding going home because we can’t stand the sight of each other and crushing sleeping tablets into his tea so he won’t have the energy to speak to me. We somehow make it work, and it’s so worth it*.
But it really depends on what works for your relationship. Some people choose to have endless affairs to escape the reality that they fucking hate their life, others do drugs and some people just get the fuck on to a plane one day and never come back.
Relationships are great, aren’t they?
*It’s not worth it.